12 Months of Blogging

This is my twelfth month of blogging!

 I started my blogging as a New Year's resolution to improve my writing.  It has become so much more for me.

What have I learned? Well, I feel I have been able to reflect on my life and have a place of accountability and to chart my growth and thoughts for the year.

Best of all, I have learned I can be. I can go. I am becoming.

To celebrate my year of blogging I wrote my insights using the familiar song Twelve Days of Christmas…..you can sing along if you like.

Twelve months of blogging

           Eleven adventures completed

                       Ten insights learned…..many more to go

                                                     Nine fears confronted

                                                                 Eight honest entries

                                                                                  Seven goals reached

                                                                                                  Six boundaries set

Five golden truths

               Four words of encouragement

                           Three registered followers

                                              Two who have read it

                                                         AND

                                             One becoming Jayne!!!!

I carry my heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e. e. cummings ~

Just a birdie......

When my son was younger, we would go on hikes in the woods. He had a little fear about wild animals, so when we heard a noise he would ask, “What’s that?” I would say, “It’s just a birdie”. He got to the point when he would hear something he would say “don’t worry, it’s just a birdie”. By naming his fear he wasn’t afraid anymore.

Amazing how naming our fear helps us deal with them.  I suppose that admitting them helps to releases the fear so we are truthful with ourselves.

Recent events in my life have led me to face my true insecurity, not feeling that I am enough. With all my awareness and work for the past 12 months,  I am still facing that demon. Here I am still feeling I’m not enough. How, oh, how can this be? Where, oh, where do these insecurities come? I know they come from me.

But instead of beating myself up about not feeling I’m enough, I’m going to do what my little 2 year old did. When feelings of not being smart enough, or pretty enough, or good enough creep into my thoughts I’m just going to say, “That’s just my insecurity”. Hopefully, by naming it, not hiding it, admitting and embracing it,  I will be able to understand, deal with it, and not let the insecurity hold be back.

Becoming Jayne……

Make friends with our Emotions

“....thinking what weird creatures human begin were. How they could be all these different things at the same time, feel all these conflicting emotions. Love and hate, joy and despair, courage and fear. It was like we were some great whirling disc, of every imaginable color, on which the light constantly shifted and danced. It didn’t seem to matter how old you were, seventeen or seventy, the disc was always there, whirling away.  Maybe all that happened was that as time went by it just got a little easier to figure out the colors and know for sure which (emotions) you were looking at and what (that emotion might mean).”          Evans, The Divide. (page399)

Embrace. Welcome. Feel. Learn. Grow. Wisdom.

           

Becoming Jayne without an agenda

I am learning to be present without my own agenda of proving something to other people or even myself.

I don’t feel I have ever been the type of person that has to be right. But I may have had an agenda to please others. For now, I am trying to be open in a new space, to come without expectation for me and other. Just see where the moment takes me.

Freedom.

Really?

To be real? or not to be real? That is the question I have asked myself for the past few weeks.  As I continue my journey of being authentic and real I came to understand that not everyone wants to be real with me. I realized that I can’t be real with everyone.

My  desire to be real and authentic is so that I am no longer hiding in myself imposed unworthiness, but I am accepting my faults and imperfection. Being real is being me, following my heart and not to become someone that people want me to be.…..so who do I be real with? Those friends that are open and safe, those feel compassion for my situation and those that honor (my) struggle. I’m looking for compassion, it’s about connecting with the right person at the right time about the right issue. (Brown. p. 11)

If not everyone wants to be real, why is that?

As I look to be real, I realize I need to be the type of person that people can be open and real with as well. I need to be the one that makes others feel safe. I need to give compassion. That I accept people, we are all growing, all struggling. Maybe I give a sense of judgment or lack of acceptance.

But, it isn’t just about me being real, but for me to cultivate a spirit that allows others to choose the journey as well. I feel that being real will bring less conflict with others and more empathy and compassion for others at least for me.

Becoming Jayne really…….

Loving me is loving others

When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong with the fearful the true mixed in with the façade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way.

I read this quote from Fred Rodger of Mister Rodgers Neighborhood and his words speak to the core of self love in order to love others.

I need to give myself positive self talk, laugh at my mistakes, accept that I am enough with my faults and imperfections.

I always thought that loving others has nothing to do with loving me….love to others is giving to others easy right? Maybe not so much. The love I have to give others needs to come from a place of compassion within my soul. A gentleness with me, then I have a gentleness with others, forgiveness of me, allows me to forgive others, love of self. Then I can love others with true compassion.

Becoming Jayne loving me first......

Lucky Parenting I don't think so

Lately I have been hearing from parents of grown kids, “Oh, we were lucky with our kids they weren’t much of a problem”.  Most recently I had a conversation with a mom of grade school aged children.  Once she heard I had two boys at the University of Washington she assumed I had some insights into raising “successful kids”. She asked, “What do you think keeps kids on the successful path? Different people say church; others say sports, or music lessons. What is your thought?”

Until that moment I would have said, there are no guarantees with children. Because life is complicated and we just do the best we can. But wait. Hey, don’t I deserve some credit for raising healthy, happy children, for making sacrifices to insure their well being and waiting up for them and checking that they turned in their homework?  I think yes. I paused, revising my response to… as a parent we need to be present in our children’s lives, present both physically and emotionally. We need to take an interest in what they are doing and who they want to become, listen to their dreams support them through the failures, mistakes and successes. Love and be present. And for a time, put them above our wants and desires. This is why teenagers think their parents are boring...no life because we have kids.

I feel I have been the type of parent that says, “Yes, we can do that”, “yes, I will help you”. One example of this is when my middle boy came home and said he was joining the tennis team, he had played tennis once at his friend’s house. I said, “Ok, we better get you tennis lessons”.  Is he a champion tennis player today? No, but he had the chance and he pursued an interest.  I believe he knows mom will help him be all he can be.

By making their lives what they want and helping them take control of their outcome, I have built confidence in my own life. Not lucky parenting....being present. Becomingjayne…being present with my children and helping them make life happen, that's how to raise successful kids.

I am enough

Just a reminder to me....becomingjayne is believing I am enough.

Practice being authenitc

Living Authentic how is that going?                    Some days real, others days not so real, but I am learning and growing.

     Since reading Brene’ Brown’s work I have been trying to practice living more authentic. I see practicing a life of authenticity as being true to myself…the real jayne. Not hiding behind what I think are others people’s expectations. Not hiding my true thoughts and feelings for the fear of being rejected. One trait I have learned to hone in on while I work towards living an authentic life is listening. To be an authentic person I really need to listen to what other people are saying…hear their words and feelings, that way I can truly answer from my heart and a place that is me. Listening cultivates compassion and an interest in others life. Believing I am enough….learning to listen…being authentic....becomingjayne.



 

Checking In…….

Here it is June, my sixth months of becoming Jayne,  I thought I would update my seven adventures for 2011 and share what I have learned.

Seven for 2011 so far……

1.     Picasso exhibit

2.    San Diego Trip

3.    Billy Elliot Play in Portland

4.    Blazer playoff game with my son Levi

5.    Train trip to Seattle

In some ways I laugh at my “adventures”. Adventures to me are probably real life for others, but for me they have been my attempt to live my life without worrying about expectations from others and myself, conquering my loneliness and facing my fears. I did realize that all of these subsided some after my first three adventures. My goal of "seven in 2011" has become my new framework of thinking, live without fear, have fun and try new adventures…..

Becoming Jayne.

I am enough

My wonderful friend, John, recently introduced me to the work of a researcher and story teller by the name of Brene' Brown.  Check her out at www.brenebrown.com 
Her thoughts and work are so connected to my personal growth it was easy to get excited about her work and be affirmed in my journey.
The key phrase that I am trying to live by is... "I am enough". The belief that what I am is enough, all my imperfections, mistakes, my feelings of unworthiness, my dreams, and my successes. Just as I am is ENOUGH.  I am living wholeheartedly by cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to live each day from a place of enoughness. 
 If I am enough then you are enough. Loving people and showing compassion for where we are at on life’s journey. I am less judgemental and show kindness to myself and to others. Believing I am enough inspires me to tell others they are ENOUGH.
Just this week I had three different people make statements of not being enough. They said to me,
"My sister is the prettier one",
"I have to lose 20 pounds for my daughter’s wedding, I'm too fat.”And
"I not as fast at the multiplication facts as they are".
My new response is, "you are enough, just like you are".
Becoming Jayne..... "I am enough".

Who Says????????

Sometimes I find a song that speaks to where I am at in my life, that’s what Who Says by Selena Gomez has done.  Ok….I know, Selena, she’s a teen pop star, but my 14 year old shared the song with me. The lyrics are the essence of becoming Jayne. Who is the culprit this song speaks of?

                                              Me of course

             My own self talk

                            I am the one that tells myself I’m not worthy,

                                                                             I don’t have potential.  

I’m also the one with the power to say….

                                                I’m just beautiful me…….Becoming Jayne.

If you want to listen click on link and click on listen now

http://www.metrolyrics.com/who-says-lyrics-selena-gomez.html?s=10114715#

Selena Gomez: Who Says Lyrics

You made me insecure
Told me I wasn't good enough
But who are you to judge
When you're a diamond in the rough
I'm sure you got some things
You'd like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn't want to be anybody else

I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me

You've got every right
To a beautiful life
Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful
Who says

Ease and Effort

I had my second becoming Jayne adventure. I went to San Diego to celebrate my 47^th birthday. There is nothing like the view of the ocean and the warm sun to distract a person from having a birthday. I stayed in La Jolla, went to sleep with the sound of the ocean.

 “It is one thing to dream, it’s another to make your dreams happen.”

I met two sweet, young ladies on the plane we bonded over Neosporin and their remote connection to Longview. A swab of Neosporin up your nose is recommended by John Tesh, this is meant to keep away any extra germs you might be exposed to on the plane.  Kate and Jazz were nice enough to share their stash with me. The conversation centered around   the meaning of life and how to take control of your life, a little mentoring on the plane.

On Saturday morning, I took a Yoga class.  I enjoyed the class very much as the instructor encouraged the practice that was adequate to my ability and strength. She focused the body and mind on how to find your balance between ease and effort.

I embrace the ease and effort, my weekend away, time to relax, see a friend; all in all, I built my confidence, empowered myself, knowing that I am capable. Becoming Jayne has me living somewhere between ease and effort, the ease to live my life, true to my spirit, and the effort to make it happen.

Mistakes made while you wait

Earlier in the month during the super bowl game,  Christina Aguilera makes a mistake singing the National Anthem.  They don’t let it slide; it is on every home page on the internet within the hour. Hey she made a mistake; I don’t think she intended to forget the words.

We all make mistakes and for that matter we make choices that aren’t always supported by our friends. As a mom I feel I have tried hard to teach my kids the right ways, yet, I am learning they will make mistakes and have to learn from their choices. It would be nice if our kids only made the right choices, drove the speed limit and got their homework completed on time, studied hard in college, didn’t swim with their camera in their pocket…. I am learning that my role as mom isn’t necessarily to keep them from making mistakes and learning life lessons. My role is to guide and teach them how to handle the mistakes, teach them to take responsibility for making bad choices, learn and move on. Because as becoming Jayne….I find I continue to make choices that might not be in my best interests. I can be impulsive letting my heart and desires lead the way. Sometimes I am hurt and lessons learned. We are all going to blunder make mistakes, friends and loved ones may approve of our life choices or they may not. In becoming Jayne, it’s not if I will make mistakes, it is how I handle myself with grace and gentleness.

Leftovers

One household chore I neglect is cleaning out the refrigerator. Each night when I am cleaning up the dinner, I neatly pack the leftovers into handy Glad containers and stack them in the refrigerator. This makes it easy for me to take one for lunch or have another dinner. I don’t always feel like having the leftovers. After weeks of this, I run out of plastic containers and notice I don’t have room for the milk. Even as I stack eggs on the cheese and rearrange the bacon with the vegetables. I still don’t want to discard the leftovers.  What does this say about me? Do I hang on to the leftovers because I think I will eat them? I don’t think so. Sometimes it is easier to keep stuffing the frig than it is to deal with the food.

What in my life are the leftovers?  Offenses and hurt feelings can become my leftovers, just as stuffing the refrigerator brings unhealthy dinners, so can stuffing my emotions bring unhealthy Jayne. Becoming Jayne….I will deal with the frig leftovers in a timely manner (at least a week) and deal with my emotions as they come, releasing, and being honest. I will not hang on to the leftovers past their appetizing appeal. 

Art of Possiblities

My day with Picasso was incredible. My adventure a success. I had a few anxieties about finding parking, which were quickly relieved when I parked in the first parking garage I saw, six dollars for two hours, ouch.I loved the vibe of the city, the energy of the people. Took in the people and the artwork.  Picasso's work is amazing and deep. Makes me believe all things are possible. Potential is in everyone. Art opens my mind to all creative potentials. Opens my mind to creativity in all things. Becoming Jayne.....

adventures to come

“Though we may long for adventure, we also cherish the familiar”

This quote from Elizabeth Berg sums up where I am in my life. I do long for the adventure; yet, knowing I need the familiar and safe. Seems like contradiction. It is a place to start.  Becoming Jayne…. putting aside my financial fears, I not going to worry about the cost, social fears, attending events on my own, and emotional fears those thoughts that kept me safe and lacking adventure, I have decided to attempt seven new adventures for 2011.

My first is driving up to the Seattle Art Museum to take in the Picasso collection. It meets my new qualifications of adventure and there is a sense of the familiar.

Picasso has taken Seattle by Storm!

Becoming Jayne.....

Calling it something

Every year I write a resolution to write more....every year I try.  My friend, Jessica, suggested that I start a blog. She found it helped her with her writing.....so here I am blogging.

My first thought is what to call my blog. Of course, something fun and catchy like,  moving on, how to fly, highly unlikely…..ummmm. Thinking I need something that encompasses my whole life, since I like Jane Austin books , my name is Jayne,I thought I would use the title from the movie on her life. Thanks to my parents I have a 'y' in my Jane so I am a little original.  

I think that my blog title, Becoming Jayne, gets to what I am striving for in my life. The journey of living, growing and becoming. Realizing I haven't got there yet, I am on the journey....becoming jayne.