50 reasons to keep becoming Jayne

I just had a birthday, I am now 50....ugg, tears, sadness, be sad for me.

For whatever reason this was a hard birthday. I guess my life isn't what I expected it would be a 50.
As I was feeling a little sorry for myself, I began to think of the alternative for not turing 50, I think it would be death. I figured I can't stop the calendar from changing years, but I can stop feeling sorry for myself and change my attitude.  I stopped being sad and look at all I had in my life and all my happiness that keeps me becomingjayne....
Here is my list of blessings and smiles 50 of them to help me celebrate my becoming.
1. William
2. Jesse
3. Levi
4. Friends and friendships over the years a special friendship with John, which has experienced a shift which, is hard for me.
5. Family: supportive parents and siblings
6. Freedom to smoke marijuana
7. Freedom to be me
8. Sunshine
9.  My ability to teach and to learn, being a life long learner
10. My school CVG
11. Students that want to learn math and make me smile
12. Math in Focus
13. Pilates
14. Yoga
15. Running
16. Trips to San Diego
17. My new Kate Spade wistlet
18. Wine
19. Tequila!
20. Laughter
21. Car
22. Love
23. Jessica and her kids
24. Books to read
25. Doc Martin
26. Skiing trips
27. My new Maryland house
28. My old Niemi house
29. Smiles
30. Knowing heart break
31. Trust and Friendship with my boys
33. Honesty
34. Courage
35. Dreams
36. Text messages
37. Sadness
38. Chocolate
39. Fresh Flowers
40. Adventure
41. Marathons and half marathons
42. Being silly
43. Being smart
44. Being a friend
45. Watching my kids play basketball,act, tennis, soccer
46. Being a mom
47. Good Health
48. Fish tacos
49. Another year to be
50. Becoming Jayne at 50.......

I decided that I would post it on my blog and write this year about my 50 lessons learned from being 50 years old.

Seasons of life

Seasons come and seasons go, we look forward to each season with regret and happiness. We embrace the joys and challenges that each season has to give, we grow.

I was with a group of teachers not too long ago and one of them was so excited to live in an area, once again with seasons. She anticipated the scents of cinnamon and pumpkin, shorter days and warm, cozy fires warming her house. Awe, seasons. As with the yearly seasons, seasons of life bring joys and challenges. For me, autumn joys are raking the leaves every weekend in October, keeping the gutters clear for all the expected rain. Most of all, warm foods like hearty soups and spice tea.

Presently, I have entered a new season, one I have watch and supported others walk through as well.  I am a parent of grown children and aging parents. This season, like others, seems to hold a new role for me as I am sandwiched between these generations.

I am learning with my oldest son a new territory of communicating I am more attentive to listen and offer feedback when he asks. Of course, this learning is a result of a misunderstanding between us. I thought I was stating my opinion of what I thought he should do; he thought I was telling him to do something. Any who…. I’m learning a place of release, letting go of the provider I have been, let him make money decisions and purchase that he wants. I won’t be buying him shoes.

 I’m learning to put his needs and passions ahead of my mommy desires. Learning, to listen with my heart, releasing him to find his way in this world to become.

In reflection, it is the same with my parents. I need to listen to them for how they want to live out their remaining years. I am releasing them to become more dependent on me; I am taking on the role as caretaker.  A release to have them communicates to me how they will die. A release, so I can find my way without them.

This season of letting go and hanging on will bring its joys and challenges with a growth for becomingjayne.

Being Enough, not just about being single

I have adopted the saying, “I am Enough” as my life mantra. Believing that I posses talent, intelligence, personality, strength to become,  that I’m not lacking, I am not less than anyone else. Knowing I am enough means I continue to grow and cultivate my being. I didn’t really attach the saying to my singleness, so when a someone made the comment that I would have to take down my ‘I am Enough’ saying when I move, because “The new owner might not be single”, I was a little taken a back.  Being enough has to do with my self esteem. Brene' Brown, the person who inspired me, isn’t single so I never felt that being single meant I wasn’t enough. I sometimes forget that I am defined by my singleness, and others are defined by their jobs or sexual orientations or disabilities or wealth.  In becoming Jayne, I want to look at the heart, character and courage of myself and others to encourage a sense of value. Being married or in a relationship doesn’t mean I am instantly enough. Being enough comes from within, my heart and mind and soul.  And knowing I am enough, single or not, is the start.  Cheers to I am enough…………becoming  Jayne

 

 

Mother’s Day: A personal reflection

Mother’s Day that special day each year set aside to celebrate Mom for being there and taking care of you and giving support, for me BecomingJayne it is a time to reflect on being a mother.

Being a mom has been very satisfying; raising my three boys, being present in their lives is my greatest accomplishment. I would do again in a heartbeat. I know it is “learn as go” type of job, but I feel I have and I am continuing to do the best job I can.  I am very proud of all of them. And they continue to amaze me with their wit, intellect, interests and talents.  

One word I would use today to describe motherhood would be sacrifice. Women give up a lot to be moms, time, appearance, finances, ice cream cones and sleep.  As I look back over the last five years, since I became a single mother and chose to end my marriage to their father, I did it for my boys. I suppose that seems a bit opposite to most belief systems that children would be better off without their father in home, but it was what I needed to do.  And as a result, I was able to be the mother I wanted to be, take them on trips, laugh and be silly with them if I wanted, even share the latest book we have been reading. I feel I gave them a stress free environment in which, they could flourish and grow without criticism. At this five year mark, I feel they are well adjusted, healthy happy young men. And that makes my Mother’s Day very happy.

Becomingjayne…….being a mom.

Message Received

It’s seems BecomingJayne has taken on a literature theme. I have found that there is no better way to empathize with a 16 year old girl from Philadelphia who lost her sister on 9-11 or understand the thoughts of a mother living with cancer, tor a boy lost at sea, than by connecting with these characters in a novel. I gain an understanding of people and places that I might never get to experience, like children living through abuse or war. My blog has become a way for me to reflection on what I’ve read and the impact it has on my being. Today’s entry is no exception.

I recently finished the book, I am the Messenger, by Markus Zusak. The story is about a young taxi driver that is living in his home town spinning his wheels with no real goals or aspirations. Yet, he has been secretly picked to become the messenger. He is sent to deliver messages of hope, fear, support and love. The story is of how he accomplishes these deliveries through real life interaction and creative acts of kindness. Some simple, some not so simple.  It’s kind of a “pay it forward” story.

In the end, he calls himself the message, not just the messenger. His life was changed. I was inspired to think of my encounters with people and the messages I send. I soon became attentive to the messages I was sending and receiving:

Ø  A smile at a stranger, a message of friendliness,

Ø  Grabbing an extra bag for another lady in the produce aisle, a message of kindness

Ø  A man stops to help me when my car broke down, a message of safety and concern from him a message of thankfulness from me.

Ø  Opening my house to a friend in a troubled marriage, a message of support and encouragement.

Ø  Picking up my son long after I have been sleeping, a message of love and safety.

 Wow, many messages sent and received. Being aware of the messages I am sending has empowed my way of being. I want to be a messenger of love, peace, compassion and joy. A challenge I realize...but a way of being and becoming.

So, what messages have you sent today?

BecomingJayne……I am a message.

Perspective, perspective, perspective

   

    I live by a state border divided by a river and a bridge. People on one side call it the Longview Bridge and others on the opposite side call it the Rainier Bridge (the fact that it is really named after two explorers is inconsequential) their perspective of the name  is defined by where they are headed.

With much joy and delight I took the opportunity to reread one of my favorite classic novels, To Kill a Mocking Bird.   I did this to help my son make a meaningful connection to literature and life. It was his English assignment, of course, he read it as well; I was just making sure he kept up with his homework and understood the beautiful story.

Harper Lee develops the theme of seeing life from someone else’s perspective. The characters learn to understand people’s actions, views and opinions by learning to walk a day in someone else’s shoes. This is a perspective I can take to heart. Just think how many conflicts, misunderstandings and hurt feelings that might be avoiding if we only take a minute to see life from someone else’s world. I have hurts, insecurities, passions, desires that tend to guide my life.  Sometimes for good and sometimes not so good, I am certain other people do as well. Before, I make a judgment or get offended at someone’s actions or words. I will stop and put myself in their shoes. So, the next time someone cuts me off at a stoplight or is rude at the store or my work place. I will consider life from their view. I am sure the view will be more empathy and more compassion to others.

So, whether it is another person's shore or someone else’s shoes, the real gem is understanding life from someone’s perspective. 

Becoming Jayne….walking in your shoes.

To love or be loved

   In the novel, Bridge of Sighs, Richard Russo’s characters ask the searching question “Was it better to love or be loved?”

Is it possible to love without receiving love? When we love someone usually love is given in return. Maybe not. Most people love with the intent of receiving love. Yet, if we love someone without expectations of love in return we love unconditionally. This depth of love may not be given in return. As a parent, we love our children regardless of their behavior and actions. There are times when children don’t love their parents back. Love of a sibling during a disagreement may result in a silent period where love is not given. Not always easy, but in the end best for the heart.

My answer: it is better to love than be loved; to love without anything in return is the deepest love, putting others needs above you.  Loving others comes out of a love of self. To love another from the depth of self love a sense of love will emerge. When you love others the love you receive is from your own heart.

I think that Richard Russo has it right by asking the question…..search for yourself. What do you think, "Was it better to love or be loved"?

Becomingjayne